How to Squash Kids’ Fights in 4 Steps

Melinda Wenner MoyerParenting in the Hudson Valley, N.Y.

When siblings fight, you don’t need to decide who’s right or wrong or how the conflict should be resolved.

Instead, use these mediation techniques to build empathy and help them settle disputes themselves →

How to Squash Kids’ Fights in 4 Steps

Melinda Wenner MoyerParenting in the Hudson Valley, N.Y.

1. Lay down ground rules.

You can take steps to prevent further fighting as the issue is being worked out, and obtain consent to move forward.

Sample script:

You two sound so upset! We’re going to take some deep breaths, and I’m going to take the bear you’re fighting over and put it up on the cabinet. Then we’ll talk about this, with no interrupting. O.K.?

How to Squash Kids’ Fights in 4 Steps

Melinda Wenner MoyerParenting in the Hudson Valley, N.Y.

2. Ask each sibling what happened.

Identify points of contention and common ground.

Sample script:

So you both agree that Connor was playing with the bear. Jayden says he asked for a turn? But Connor, you said you didn’t hear him? This made Jayden feel frustrated, because he thought you were ignoring him and then he hit you.

How to Squash Kids’ Fights in 4 Steps

Melinda Wenner MoyerParenting in the Hudson Valley, N.Y.

3. Foster mutual understanding.

Encourage them to discuss their feelings and ask each child to repeat what the other said.

Sample script:

So Connor, why did Jayden say he got so mad? Jayden, why did Connor start yelling when you hit him?

How to Squash Kids’ Fights in 4 Steps

Melinda Wenner MoyerParenting in the Hudson Valley, N.Y.

4. Help brainstorm solutions.

If their ideas are far-fetched, try to rein them in.

Sample script:

What are some ways you two could fix this? What could you do differently next time? Hmm, but if we buy 600 more of these bears so you never have to share, what might happen?

For more tips, head to the NYT Parenting section.

A Guide to Parenting Now