Alex from Target Is Not as Hot as My High School Crush Brian

Alex from Target—hot or not hot? Ellen says he’s hot. The New York Times says he’s hot. We are not saying whether or not he’s hot because he is a SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD child and we are adults and also because we haven’t decided yet. One thing that’s for sure, though: he is not as hot as my high school crush Brian.

I know what you are thinking because it’s probably either “What is wrong with you,” “Who is Brian and why is he hotter than Alex from Target,” or “Dang, Madeleine! Spot on assessment. By the way, I’ve been meaning to tell you that you have a non-traditional beauty that will only get more intriguing with age.”

First of all, thank you! As for what is wrong with me, I can honestly say that the answer is nothing: I am perfect. And one thing that makes me perfect is my ability to look back in time and experience things through the eyes of my younger self. That is what I am doing as I assess the hotness of Alex from Target. This is not an adult inappropriately judging a teen. This is an adult going back to the time she was fifteen and judging two teens. And through those 15-year-old eyes, I still won’t say whether or not Alex from Target is hot. I will only say that he is not as hot as Brian.

So who is Brian? Well, Brian is the total babe who ruled East High School between the years of 1999 and 2003. He—a junior when I was a freshman—was in jazz band, ran cross country and ignored me literally 100% of the time.

Maybe you’re still not convinced that Brian is hotter than Alex from Target. Fine. We will make it official with an official and objective judgement chart.

	Alex from Target	Brian
Has he ever spoken to me?	No	No
Does he have a job?	Yes	No
Is he blond?	Yes	Yes
Has he been on Ellen?	Yes	No
Does he play trumpet in the jazz band?	IDK	Yes
Does his best friend have a lip ring?	IDK, probably.	Yes, definitely.
Did I pretend to like Dave Matthews Band for a full year just because I heard that Alex from Target/Brian liked them?	No	Yes
Do teen girls love him?	Yes	Yes
Have I ever made a Sim that looks like him and a Sim that looks like me and made them flirt and do…other stuff?	No	Yes
Did I think he came to see me as Maggie in The Man Who Came to Dinner when really he was here for the girl who played Lorraine?	No	Yes
Is he a total babe who ruled East High School from 1999-2003?	NO AND HE NEVER WILL BE.	Yes
Did Alex from Target/Brian ignore me at a party after we both graduated even though WE SHOULD BE MORE MATURE THAN THAT BY NOW?	No	Yes
Is he out of my league?	🙁	🙁

UNDENIABLE EVIDENCE: Brian is hotter than Alex from Target. Is this post rude? Well, SORRY. I haven’t felt anything—including guilt or shame—since Brian graduated in 2003.